This is a story about love, chaos, probability and destiny. This could be us. This could be a future or just a dream. Inside my heart, it is all true, it’s like I already lived this.
I met Nicole absolutely by chance, both of us laughing at a joke about our astrological sign. First thing I noticed at her was, at her surprise, not her cute freckles, but her eyes. I thought, first, they were very dark and black. Instead, they were brown, but in my imagination Nicole will always be black eyed.
Regardless their color, I saw inside her sparkly intelligence and a child. And this was intriguing, because despite the child, I noticed there also a glimpse of something powerful, strong, resilient. Not the power of natural born leaders, but the kind of power that is acquired and learned only by intense suffering.
I don’t know if I knew more then twenty words about her, when I already started to have feelings. I knew literally nothing, but from what I knew I started soon to build her as a complex person inside me. The “foundation” of my Nicole was this list, representing all the information I had about her: Artist. Oklahoma. Cute. Mother. A fenced yard, with a tree. Animal lover. Big heart.
But nothing from this list was capable to influence me as much as her eyes. This was not a crush, not a physical attraction (I didn’t even know her body), nor the pathological insanity of some stalkers who have in mind the command “I have to have her!”, no. I didn’t dreamed about “having here”, but about her having me as the same as a Goddess having the right to choose the destiny of her creation. I was not just in love, but fascinated as the discovery of a new religion with the Messiah on top.
In my land, where I was born, ten thousand years ago people had female idols. Probably fertility figures, associated with life but also with agriculture. Somewhere, in my deepest genetic memory, I miss that. And when I saw her, a spark from the neolithic times whispered inside my head – love her, pray to her, idolize her, she is your goddess.
All of this I was able to saw and feel inside her beautiful eyes, brown or black, with long lashes, a suave childish light and hard determination.
From that moment things gone quickly and after couple a days I tell her – listen, I want to make you a character in my book. Drinking the second coffee already, supposing working at a website (I am a programmer), not ashamed to tell that my eyes are kind of wet, neither from sadness, neither from happiness, but for the simple fact that I am and I feel. And that feeling is now like a warm and liquid honey, pouring from my chest into the stomach, a hot spring that made me closely watch my hands…
What I didn’t tell her that morning was what kind of feeling was that, pouring from my chest. I live her to sleep and I smiled thinking: thank God for the time difference, this offers me the sensation that you sleep in the next room and I am here, watching for you, loving you, caring for you. The same as a decade ago, when I did the same with my kids.